Chapter 2: Repair

There are a million stories that make up our life. Meeting my friend at white party. Flying to Sayulita last second. Burning man in the mud is still my favorite burn of my life. Palm springs with the ween and the gays. Zhu. Ice Skating. My first Costco. Christmas with your fam and NYE in Mammoth. Suddenly after 1 year we are in Fiji together. Everything had one thing in common. I knew what I wanted. 

You have always been my favorite person. The gift from the universe for the genuinely terrible relationships I had experienced. The partner who actually cared for me more than anyone else in my life. I'm not sure I ever truly understood it.

Im committed to Ownership. Reduced Alcohol. Physical Activity. Friendships. Career.

I should have learned ownership by now. The intense love I felt was unlike anything I had known. I felt fear of my own imperfection for the first time. I let that slip into my heart and get in the way. That will never happen again. Therapy wasn't a solution. EMDR has been amazing. I have relived every painful experience and built new pathways. I have worked through the barriers to vulnerability and instead of reaction - I will sit with your needs. I will listen with care and affection. 

For me this will include zero alcohol. This was another trigger in almost all our fights. I see now that while not the cause - it numbed my ability to see clearly my actions. I dont need to be drunk to enjoy my life. I have used alcohol for so long. Its time for a new chapter here.

I also stopped my physical routine. Orginally due to my injuries but I let that habit fade. Working out is critical to my health and wellness and I have friends in the run club (and surf club) that I've reconnected with for this purpose. I forgot how deeply I was connected with my friends when we met and I regret letting that aspect of my life slide. You cannot and should not be responsible for all of my needs. 

Finally I'm working again and learning new skills so I can pursue a career path I enjoy. I want you to feel financially secure and I was a better happier version of me with this in my life. I knew who I was and what I wanted. I didn't want to buy another house to have a house. I wanted US to BUILD a home together. I knew this so long ago. I'm sorry I forgot the importance of a space feeling like home for both of us. I want you to feel safe and secure with me no matter what. 

I will not blame anyone or distract from issues. I will own my mistakes. I will learn from them. 

Chapter 3: Future

There cannot be growth without challenge. People want to change but never do. I have no choice and I'm doing the work no matter what.